How To Step Out Being Gay

College is a chance for new starts, new friends, new experiences, and a place where you're primed for reinvention and self-discovery. Managing this major life transition is tough enough all on its own, but gay women have a second set of issues to work through, like…is it safe to come out? Is my roommate queer-friendly? Where can I look to for support, if and when I need it? Those are all normal, totally valid things that you're probably thinking about as you head back to school, and while I can't predict the future, I can share some knowledge about what you can do to prepare yourself. From one graduate gay girl to another, here's the advice I wish I'd had when I was coming out.


Scope everything (and everyone) out.
During your first few weeks of class, you'll probably end up hanging with the immediate acquaintances and cling to them for dear life because, no doubt, this is a freaky and unnerving time for anyone. Maybe you'll feel compelled to come out to them immediately, and you totally can! Who knows? These might end up being your BFFs for the rest of college, and maybe for life. But they also might just be the friends you make because you're not yet comfortable exploring other options. Good news: You have plenty of time to find your people, and if the first batch doesn't seem like a community you can safely, comfortably come out to, you can absolutely move on. Your safety and acceptance are first priority, and you really don't have to be friends with everyone you meet.

Don't overthink and stress yourself out.
 It might seem easier to just stay out of conversations with straight people when they're talking about sex and relationships, because getting involved would mean outing yourself, and possibly becoming the center of attention and inviting rejection. But that is so alienating, and you're missing the opportunity to connect with people. A less stressful way to handle coming out is to just talk about your life the same way straight people talk about theirs. Remember your life isn't so different from everyone else's, and you deserve to tell your story, too."

 Don't give other people the authority to make you feel bad about yourself.
If and when you do decide to come out, remember: If someone reacts badly, it's not your responsibility to salvage that relationship. You don't have to educate anyone about your sexuality or decisions, and you certainly don't have to advocate on your own behalf. If someone makes you feel weird or bad about, that's something they have to deal with. It's not your problem to solve. Furthermore, you are not a problem to solve, and true friends accept you for exactly who and how you are. Anyone who can't do that isn't someone you need in your life.
And If someone makes you feel bad or unsafe or like you're the butt of a joke (I hate to say it, but it happens), you really don't have to stick around. During my own freshman year, I had a really miserable roommate experience before I successfully requested a switch to queer-friendly campus housing. It was worth it: I felt so much happier, and I never saw the bullies who bashed me ever again.

 Don't shy away from finding support.
 Coming out doesn't have to mean a big speech in front of your inner circle. For you, it could be as simple as sticking a rainbow pin on your backpack, or joining your school's Queer Student Alliance. If heading to an event on your own seems like more than you can handle, bring along a supportive friend. Added bonus: Heading to gay-focused campus events is an awesome way to engage with other students going through what you're going through, and being around these people can be intensely validating while you overcome your fears.

 Seriously. Be yourself.
 People might tell you that you're going through a phase. They might question your sexuality because you don't fit into their idea of what a gay girl is "supposed" to be. Don't listen. Don't give in. You are under no obligation to dress in any particular way, or listen to a particular type of music, or fulfill any cultural stereotypes. And if it does end up being a phase, remember that doesn't make your feelings or experiences any less valid. They happened. That's okay. You, being yourself, is and always will be more than enough.